Can't Help Myself

I'm over everything. There is nothing I can or will love more than I love music. Tonight's show was amazing and I'm really stoked. I can't get over how big of a rush playing tonight was.

Meet Personal Expectations

I'm starting to lose my sense of responsibility. I guess, after last semester, I'm tired of being relied on. I've been spending my time gaming, hanging with my bf, going to the park, working very little (and still resenting the fact that I have to go), dreading rehearsals, and not doing chores. Most of me is very upset by my attitude, but a small part is still relishing in the absolutely blissful, boringness of it. When I'm not musical, I'm not productive. I'm hoping that once my band gets back into regular practices and recording, I'll shape up. Then I'll practice more, want to sing more, and hopefully enjoy life more. I can't lose my productivity right before my transfer. I can't be tired of working. I have goals to meet.

Lists

I've decided to start eating healthier and get back into exercising regularly. I've been really tired for no reason, and I've determined that it has largely to do with my eating habits and lack of exercise, especially considering my body's familiarity with exercise. I need it. And I need to stop drinking Red Bull :D So I've started making lists of things I want to work on, and I'm going to tackle one or two at a time in order of priority (or whichever the hell I want to do first).

Here's the list as of now:

-take salsa classes
-eat healthier
-exercise more
-consider an exercise circuit
-quit red bull altogether (in levels)
-read more
-stop hitting
-play WoW again (don't judge me)
-stop playing Tetris so much
-practice trombone more
-practice cello more
-get a more reliable job
-sing more
-write music more

:D

Backwash

Am I inspired? Not particularly. For some reason, I think, when you don't sleep well for an extended period AND your life is a-OK, you tend not to have any reason or desire to write or create anything beautiful. You slip into this world of zombie numbness and are left with the responsibility of finding the way out all by yourself. The problem is that, once you've found that way out, you realize that you need to write or create something beautiful in order to walk through the gateway, back to the real world.

Goodbye, Chuck

Yesterday was a happening day for me. I lost almost every shoe I own to the 805 freeway. My dad left the tailgate of his truck open while he was helping me move, so we lost a box on the way. I really wish I'd had a camera with me when I went back to find them because the image was pretty awesome. They were all run over and broken, some of them were chilling out in the slow lane, while others were just sitting there, obliterated and smushed to pieces, on the side of the highway. My dad and I collected what we could, salvaged a couple pairs of shoes, then put them in a pile to look at in admiration. My fishing boots were run over a lot, but are apparently still in working condition. All of my pumps and heels for gigs and work are dead. My sneakers -- and my much-loved chucks -- are also deceased.

What?

I've written 3 songs since my last visit. (Actually, since last week.) I'm on an inspiration high, coupled with an amazing-food high and a no-worries high. I am learning to love and read and speak out. (I'm also getting a lot better at Tetris.)

What else could I possibly want? I'm in recording for my band right now (which I'll probably blog on later, seeing as I absolutely love my band) and we're preparing to gig in July. I'm moving over to State in late August and moving back to my dad's (and therefore getting the hell out of this crazy, huger-environment) on Wednesday and for the remainder of the summer. I'm really excited to be happy and capable of everything I've worked for.

Hemingway and Fitzgerald make me smile.

And so does really good sushi and Brazilian BBQ.

v(^_^)

I'm done with Mesa :] I'm gonna take a summer piano class there, but other than that...it's just work.

"I've reached the end of an era." I say that every two years, but only because it's usually true-ish.

I finished my last final at 9:23am yesterday. I finished the hardest semester of my life at 9:23am yesterday. I bought my last Red Bull for a very long time right before the final. Did it taste like justice? Absolutely. The justice of being able to take over my life again fills me with nothing but pure delight and happiness. I can relax. I can stay up late. I can sleep in sometimes. I can have enough time to clean and do laundry. I can sleep on the grass. I can have a picnic. I can go to the beach. I can live.

I no longer have to worry too much about getting home early enough to sleep enough to wake up early enough to go somewhere. I no longer have to put school ahead of my passion for music (until September anyway :P).

AND summer's here, which means my best friend comes home for the summer soon. AND summer's here, which means I have days off and therefore time to go up to Long Beach and get some fried chicken & waffles.

I get to love life again <3

The End.

I am officially done with ever being forced to deal with my Music Theory/Ear Training teacher (as of yesterday at 11:53am). It is a new era. Two years of dealing with her crap and two years of slowly being driven into an addiction to Red Bull. I needed it just to get through her class every day without punching a wall, which is odd considering my tendency to keep violent thoughts and feelings to a minimum. So, by now, my addiction is at a madly high level...and tomorrow I will buy my very last Red Bull for a very long time. I'll probably still accept them if they're given to me (which happens on rare occasions), but I will not buy them and I will not go out of my way to get them. After tomorrow, I'm free from the cage of anger and caffeine. It'll just be about the music, my friends, my family, and preparing for the transfer to state. But mostly a lot of music and beaching.

Can have lots of hugs now? <3

Just thinking. - 5/19/08

Quiet nights like this, sitting at a computer at work always give me time for reflection. Tired, depressing reflection ^_^ I keep coming back to my courage. I keep thinking about how much I miss that trait of mine. Where'd it go? I never expected that a person could make me completely lose my ability to stand up and say what needs to be said. I didn't think any person could make me want something so badly and still not do anything about it. I'm tired of always talking about doing something. Every day it's "should I?" and "how should I?" Who the hell cares? Obviously no one else is going to change the situation for me, so why shouldn't I have every reason to do it myself? And how do I keep coming up with reasons when there aren't any?

I think I'm really bored ^_^

Vote No on a Marriage Amendment in Nov.

I almost cried on Thursday when I read the article 3 minutes after it was posted on the internet. Gay Marriage is now legal in California! I printed out a copy of the article and carried it around with me like a teddy bear, spreading the news and happy feelings. We're finally getting somewhere and doing something about the bullcrap imposed on homosexuals. People are finally getting off their asses and fighting for what they believe in.

My trouble lies in the fact that many Californians will respond negatively to the Court's repeal. There's no doubt that there will be a call for a state-constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage, so those of us who believe in equality for everyone should work toward informing and fighting it with every last ounce of energy we can muster. Please do not get so caught up in your busy lives that you'll allow the amendment (an amendment not meant to protect rights, but take them away) to pass into law. This is not something we can just sit by and let happen.