My Mind Is Kissin' You

Today was one of those funny days in which you cannot and should not take anything too seriously. I played rockband over the weekend, so this song's been stuck in my head all day. How can anyone take anything seriously with this stuck in their head? Seriously.

Aside from that, I found out my exam times for finals week. LAMESAUCE ON A CORN DOG. Every single class that's important to me (all my music classes) has its exam at 8am. I can barely wake up for my 8am classes, and I'm usually late. That week is going to be HORRIBLE. I'm gonna have to drink so much water to make up for all the caffeine I'll have in my system. At least my jury isn't early in the morning. That would suck.

Humane Reason

I don't understand human emotions. They're so complex and simple at the same time. You can simply be angry or sad or happy or in love or frustrated, but the reasons are utterly incomprehensible. You may have a vague idea of the problem, but to be attempt to completely identify every reason would be an incredible undertaking. And if you cannot identify or understand the reasons for your own emotions, how can anyone expect you to do the same for another? Some people are good at picking up those vague ideas, but others just seem to be completely in the dark. Some people can't even identify the emotion, let alone the reason for it. Lucky for me, I usually do a pretty good job of figuring those things out; it's what keeps me out of trouble. Many people are just constantly under fire due to their lack of observation/application skills.

The real question is: is this tangent going anywhere?
The real answer is: I'm not sure. maybe I should stop.

I think my point is that emotions are lame. Why do my emotions have to go against my thoughts in cases like this? Think logically, god damnit.

"The Battler"

I'm back to Hemingway. I always read his short stories when I'm upset or frustrated. His diction and simplicity always strikes me in a positive way and always makes me feel a little better. Every time I read his book of short stories, by the time I finish it my worries aren't very severe. Hopefully that's the case here. I started with "A Clean, Well-Lighted Place," simply because it's my favorite, then I started from the first story in the book.

Dave did the honor of being my human journal for the evening. I don't think I've ever discussed anything like this with such clarity and effortlessness in my life. Everything I said was exactly what I should have realized initially. I recognized in myself a lot of things, positive and negative, that I never expected to see.

I constantly surround myself with controversy, as if I thrive in it, while at the same time cursing the judgments of others. I am constantly judged and I constantly attempt to deflect it and I constantly can't avoid it. Every time I try to help any situation, I make it worse or am judged negatively for my actions. It gets hard to ignore after a while...It gets hard to deal with after a while. What they don't realize is that I hurt too. Despite my tendency to be the cause for others' pain, it hurts me worse every time my tendency does its work. There is never peace in my decisions. Though I make peaceful, thoughtful decisions, flames and thunder dominate as a result of them.

I don't think I can be any more vague or specific about my situation, but it was nice to be able to articulate everything as precisely as possible in my discussion with Dave. It's nice to be told, in truth or not, that I'm not to blame and that I'm just being pessimistic. Yeah, let's go with that. Let's go back to Hemingway.

Inelastic Collisions

What I find utterly amazing is the fact that no matter what, any time you gain any real idea of who are or what you stand for, one action or event will change you to the point of considering a reassessment of those principles. You finally figure out your priorities, then suddenly you can't see why other things didn't seem as important.

The problem is that most people think there's no point in redefining their values over and again; it's too much work. Better to choose the values and stick to them through thick and thin. Let others deal with our own personal laziness. Let others deal with our primitively oppressive natures. God forbid we think for ourselves and allow for change.

The important thing is to adapt and reconsider one's aims and values continuously. Without placing one's thoughts under continuous reevaluation, what the hell is the point of being a conscious being? Why should anyone even bother with thinking in the first place?

Those who choose to remain "stiff" or "firm" in their so-called values are often just flaccidly slacking in their thoughts. I suggest that we all aim for an elastic texture. Flexible enough to move when we need to move, but strong enough not to waver against idiocy.

My list of priorities is no longer completely valid. (Yes, they're still the most important things to me...but I guess other things deserve to be on the list too.) It's time for me to reevaluate my own beliefs and concerns based on recent happenings. Let it begin :)

On the Qualities of the Humane

Today I was texting Keith about a problem I had when he said something that made me think a lot about myself. I basically realized that, even though it's been months and months since I lived in my old place, I'm still deeply affected by the events of when I lived there. Even though I thought I became a stronger person, I'm really no more courageous than I was during that crisis in my life. I still have no courage. Why in the hell is that? How can I be strong if I can't even speak up about something so stupid? Am I really just so much of a bitch that nothing but my top 7 things is worth my time? I know that isn't true. Despite setting priorities, I still care about people and their feelings and happiness. I still want to be a good person and a good friend. Have I really lost so much perspective on the people around me that I just see straight through everything and disregard it? It's not about knowing what people are thinking; it's not about my issues with how they think. It's about me being a good person and caring about how others feel, regardless of my own feelings toward the person and/or situation. I'm happy with my list of priorities, but I can't live with myself if the happiness gained ignores or is at the expense of others. If I claim to love humanity and the world, I can't ignore the humanity that surrounds me on a daily basis.

But if I still haven't regained my courage after 6 months of freedom from my old problems, how will I be strong again?

For Keith and Tina

There's no excuse to be bored. Sad, yes. Angry, yes. Depressed, yes. Crazy, yes. But there's no excuse for boredom, ever. — Viggo Mortensen

Before I actually start working on that essay below, here's a FAQ for life.

Q. Is there anything better than good music?
A. No.

Q. Is there anything that comes close?
A. Sometimes food, but rarely.

Oh...well I guess that pretty much sums it up.

The singer in my band called me up and left a message on my voicemail telling me that she had been listening to our demo today. She says, "I just wanted to let you know that what you do is badass."

How funny! I listened to it over the weekend and was thinking the same thing about the drum part. So...I decided to spread the love. I called up our drummer and told him that "I just wanted to let you know that what you do is badass."

I love them. They keep me from leading a normal life by making me incapable of maintaining relationships or focusing on anything other than music.

Can't Help Myself

I'm over everything. There is nothing I can or will love more than I love music. Tonight's show was amazing and I'm really stoked. I can't get over how big of a rush playing tonight was.

Meet Personal Expectations

I'm starting to lose my sense of responsibility. I guess, after last semester, I'm tired of being relied on. I've been spending my time gaming, hanging with my bf, going to the park, working very little (and still resenting the fact that I have to go), dreading rehearsals, and not doing chores. Most of me is very upset by my attitude, but a small part is still relishing in the absolutely blissful, boringness of it. When I'm not musical, I'm not productive. I'm hoping that once my band gets back into regular practices and recording, I'll shape up. Then I'll practice more, want to sing more, and hopefully enjoy life more. I can't lose my productivity right before my transfer. I can't be tired of working. I have goals to meet.

Lists

I've decided to start eating healthier and get back into exercising regularly. I've been really tired for no reason, and I've determined that it has largely to do with my eating habits and lack of exercise, especially considering my body's familiarity with exercise. I need it. And I need to stop drinking Red Bull :D So I've started making lists of things I want to work on, and I'm going to tackle one or two at a time in order of priority (or whichever the hell I want to do first).

Here's the list as of now:

-take salsa classes
-eat healthier
-exercise more
-consider an exercise circuit
-quit red bull altogether (in levels)
-read more
-stop hitting
-play WoW again (don't judge me)
-stop playing Tetris so much
-practice trombone more
-practice cello more
-get a more reliable job
-sing more
-write music more

:D

Backwash

Am I inspired? Not particularly. For some reason, I think, when you don't sleep well for an extended period AND your life is a-OK, you tend not to have any reason or desire to write or create anything beautiful. You slip into this world of zombie numbness and are left with the responsibility of finding the way out all by yourself. The problem is that, once you've found that way out, you realize that you need to write or create something beautiful in order to walk through the gateway, back to the real world.

Goodbye, Chuck

Yesterday was a happening day for me. I lost almost every shoe I own to the 805 freeway. My dad left the tailgate of his truck open while he was helping me move, so we lost a box on the way. I really wish I'd had a camera with me when I went back to find them because the image was pretty awesome. They were all run over and broken, some of them were chilling out in the slow lane, while others were just sitting there, obliterated and smushed to pieces, on the side of the highway. My dad and I collected what we could, salvaged a couple pairs of shoes, then put them in a pile to look at in admiration. My fishing boots were run over a lot, but are apparently still in working condition. All of my pumps and heels for gigs and work are dead. My sneakers -- and my much-loved chucks -- are also deceased.

What?

I've written 3 songs since my last visit. (Actually, since last week.) I'm on an inspiration high, coupled with an amazing-food high and a no-worries high. I am learning to love and read and speak out. (I'm also getting a lot better at Tetris.)

What else could I possibly want? I'm in recording for my band right now (which I'll probably blog on later, seeing as I absolutely love my band) and we're preparing to gig in July. I'm moving over to State in late August and moving back to my dad's (and therefore getting the hell out of this crazy, huger-environment) on Wednesday and for the remainder of the summer. I'm really excited to be happy and capable of everything I've worked for.

Hemingway and Fitzgerald make me smile.

And so does really good sushi and Brazilian BBQ.

v(^_^)

I'm done with Mesa :] I'm gonna take a summer piano class there, but other than that...it's just work.

"I've reached the end of an era." I say that every two years, but only because it's usually true-ish.

I finished my last final at 9:23am yesterday. I finished the hardest semester of my life at 9:23am yesterday. I bought my last Red Bull for a very long time right before the final. Did it taste like justice? Absolutely. The justice of being able to take over my life again fills me with nothing but pure delight and happiness. I can relax. I can stay up late. I can sleep in sometimes. I can have enough time to clean and do laundry. I can sleep on the grass. I can have a picnic. I can go to the beach. I can live.

I no longer have to worry too much about getting home early enough to sleep enough to wake up early enough to go somewhere. I no longer have to put school ahead of my passion for music (until September anyway :P).

AND summer's here, which means my best friend comes home for the summer soon. AND summer's here, which means I have days off and therefore time to go up to Long Beach and get some fried chicken & waffles.

I get to love life again <3

The End.

I am officially done with ever being forced to deal with my Music Theory/Ear Training teacher (as of yesterday at 11:53am). It is a new era. Two years of dealing with her crap and two years of slowly being driven into an addiction to Red Bull. I needed it just to get through her class every day without punching a wall, which is odd considering my tendency to keep violent thoughts and feelings to a minimum. So, by now, my addiction is at a madly high level...and tomorrow I will buy my very last Red Bull for a very long time. I'll probably still accept them if they're given to me (which happens on rare occasions), but I will not buy them and I will not go out of my way to get them. After tomorrow, I'm free from the cage of anger and caffeine. It'll just be about the music, my friends, my family, and preparing for the transfer to state. But mostly a lot of music and beaching.

Can have lots of hugs now? <3

Just thinking. - 5/19/08

Quiet nights like this, sitting at a computer at work always give me time for reflection. Tired, depressing reflection ^_^ I keep coming back to my courage. I keep thinking about how much I miss that trait of mine. Where'd it go? I never expected that a person could make me completely lose my ability to stand up and say what needs to be said. I didn't think any person could make me want something so badly and still not do anything about it. I'm tired of always talking about doing something. Every day it's "should I?" and "how should I?" Who the hell cares? Obviously no one else is going to change the situation for me, so why shouldn't I have every reason to do it myself? And how do I keep coming up with reasons when there aren't any?

I think I'm really bored ^_^

Auto-stupid

What the hell is the problem with the College Board? First they make these bogus tests, make you take them, then don't know how to freaking answer questions about reporting the grades to a college. I asked a very specific question about electronic grade reporting and they responded (after 5 days!) with an automated message that outlines exactly what they have on the website about grade reporting in general. How disgusting. The nerve! To first have a retarded, disorganized and non-user-friendly website, then have a crappy emailing system.

UGH. Can I throw something?

Chowin' on Clam Chowder

I went to Red Sails Inn with a friend on Thursday. I don't think I've felt that happy in a long time, which is a bit remarkable considering my constant state of happiness. Being there reminded me of my childhood, and it was kind of impossible for me to wipe the stupid grin off of my face.

The restaurant is on Shelter Island, overlooking Fisherman's Landing and H&M. Based on the decor, you feel like your on an old, early 20th century fishing boat. I used to go there all the time with my dad to eat clam chowder (because it really is the best clam chowder in San Diego). I always ordered a ton of oyster crackers with the chowder and an appetizer of calamari strips.

Well, this time when I went, the sun set while I was there and we were sitting next to the window, so I saw the docks at night with the lights and peaceful atmosphere. I really miss fishing. I haven't gone on a trip out to sea in a few years, but I never realized how much I missed it. Half the fun is just the trip out, standing at the bow while the boat moved in the direction of the Catalinas or down toward Baja. Then the other half is the fun of having a fish on the line, fighting for everything it's worth.

My Monday Night: A True Story

By Me, with a Hemingway spin <3

On a dark, cold night, an old man crosses a street. His street-crossing isn't particularly fast-paced. In fact, it's extremely sluggish and tired. He pushes a wheelchair as a crutch for practicing this walking thing. He's pretty focused on the walking thing. He's focused to the point of losing touch with his surroundings. By the time he reaches the midpoint of the journey across the street (and the first half takes a good few minutes as it is), he's really focused.

A silver Camry struts along toward the T-intersection across which the man snails. Inside, two ladies calmly chat about their days and their weeks and their futures and their presents and their pasts. A dark figure appears in the road. The driver reacts to the presence of the figure by bringing the car to a stop and waiting for the old man to cross. A few seconds later, it hits them.

A car hits them. The lady in the car didn't slow down, but she keeps saying that she saw the old man too. It's all her fault, she says. Here's my information, she says.

Here's ours, the two ladies say.

Here's the old man's information, the silver Camry's passenger says. He's a little gone. He was just out for a walk to practice walking. He just came from dinner with his family. He doesn't have an answering machine.

All ladies enter their cars and go on their way. The old man continues walking. The two ladies in the silver Camry go to Urgent Care to check their necks. The passenger is having neck, jaw, and head pain. The driver is too. The passenger of the silver Camry continues having minor neck, jaw, and head pain. Her arms hurt too and she can't lift heavy objects.

The next day, the insurance calls. The lady who hit them said she didn't know who's fault it was, they say. That figures, says the driver of the silver Camry.

Missing Earth Day

Guess what! It's also my favorite Disney movie!

"According to the answers you have just chosen you are most like the Disney Princess Ariel.

Headstrong Ariel means to follow the rules but rarely succeeds. Like many teenagers Ariel does not feel understood and is forever trying to make her friends and especially her father see things her way. Fiesty Ariel has a mind of her own and it is so full of romantic dreams about the world above sea and its amazing inhabitants.

She is a bit naive and sure the human world is a happier place and she spends her time yearning to be like humans and collecting their castoffs. Her irrestible attraction to the human world leads to all sorts of adventures. By the time Ariels wish to be human is finally granted she realizes that there is something to be gained from a fathers wisdom."

Despite my character and the aforementioned quiz, I'm still just talking and not doing. I hate that. Lately, I haven't been following my own philosophy. All my strength serves as defense, rather than courage, these days. Where's my courage? Maybe it's just getting drained from all the stress. I hope that's the case. But if I don't have it back after school ends I'll be pretty pissed. I have things I want done.

I'm pretty upset with Sundays today. I can't go to Day at the Docks OR Earth Day at Balboa Park thanks to my love of music. I just have to join every ensemble I can. It makes me happy every day but today.

Lacking Imagination for a Title

So I lied. I don't like everyone. In fact, some people get on my very last nerve to the point of wanting to throw something at a wall (but never at a person!). Granted, I didn't get much sleep last night, so my capacity for patience was/is much smaller than normal.

But that's how it is. There's never any love or comfort around when you need to be told to stop whining. And it's hard to move on from something when your friends were offended in the process. When I have problems with people I have a tendency to forgive pretty quickly, but when the problems are directed at others someone's got to get pissed about it. (And that someone is me! :D) Unfortunately, in many cases there's nothing for me to do but stew and let the anger pass.