Today I was texting Keith about a problem I had when he said something that made me think a lot about myself. I basically realized that, even though it's been months and months since I lived in my old place, I'm still deeply affected by the events of when I lived there. Even though I thought I became a stronger person, I'm really no more courageous than I was during that crisis in my life. I still have no courage. Why in the hell is that? How can I be strong if I can't even speak up about something so stupid? Am I really just so much of a bitch that nothing but my top 7 things is worth my time? I know that isn't true. Despite setting priorities, I still care about people and their feelings and happiness. I still want to be a good person and a good friend. Have I really lost so much perspective on the people around me that I just see straight through everything and disregard it? It's not about knowing what people are thinking; it's not about my issues with how they think. It's about me being a good person and caring about how others feel, regardless of my own feelings toward the person and/or situation. I'm happy with my list of priorities, but I can't live with myself if the happiness gained ignores or is at the expense of others. If I claim to love humanity and the world, I can't ignore the humanity that surrounds me on a daily basis.
But if I still haven't regained my courage after 6 months of freedom from my old problems, how will I be strong again?
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